Habits, routines and automatic actions take up most of our time. They do not just shape our lives. They are our lives. First we learn these new habits, then we practise them until they become so automatic, sometimes we don’t even see them as habits anymore, like brushing your teeth every day.
I bet you already knew all that. That’s why you have tried or are are trying to practise a new habit. Am I right? And how is it working out for you? Is your new habit easy, or a grind?
Over the past few years, I radically changed my life using a wide variety of daily and weekly habits. I’m a fan. I also tried even more habits that failed me completely, no matter how many times I started them. Today, I want to share why they failed me and how you can choose the right habits for your new life.
The post explains the technique first. Don’t worry about taking notes or following the instructions. There’s a summary of the how-to at the end for you. Easy does it.
Choose your aim
When I chose a habit in the past, I picked one I thought would help me reach a goal. Goal, objective and aim are similar words but I prefer aim. A goal and an objective can be missed and both imply a straight line towards them. This often trips us up, adds unnecessary pressure and implies that failure is possible.
Aim, on the other hand, just means pick a direction you want to go towards. If your aim is to walk north, it does not matter if you meander around a bit. As long as you keep walking you can always course-correct later. Or shift it, if you change your mind.
So what should you aim for? In the past, I would pick a goal, like “I want to lose weight.” But here’s the thing. We don’t pick goals for the sake of the goal. We pick them because we think we will feel a certain way once we have reached that goal. So let’s skip straight to the real aim.
How do you want to feel? For example, if your old goal was also to “lose weight”, ask yourself why. Do you want to feel more attractive, healthier in your body or happier? Or do you want to feel confident, calm or even just worry-free? Why have you picked this goal in the past?
Choose your focus area
We are bombarded with advice for healthy habits, and there’s nothing wrong with that. But we’re all different and what works for one person does not necessarily work for another. Forget the habits you “should” be doing and let’s start from scratch.
There is an abundance of paths leading in the direction you are aiming at. I’m grouping these paths into three focus areas: focus on the body, on the mind, and on spirituality. Pick the area that is most appealing to you. Yes, you definitely have a preferred focus area. It’s either the one you felt excited about when you read the list or didn’t scoff at.
The reason why an area is easier for you is because you are familiar with it. Chances are you have either already successfully formed habits in that area or have at least tried many times. For me, my preferred focus area is the body. Forming habits related to movement is much easier for me than mind and spiritual habits. But whatever feels best for you is your path.
Choose your habit category
Now you know how you want to feel and what path you want to take there. Through the body, the mind or spiritual practise. Time to pick a habit category. What do I mean by that? Habits – the actions you are going to take – can also be grouped together.
If you want to feel healthy and your preferred focus is your body, your habit area could be exercise. Or rest and relaxation. It could also be nutrition. Same aim, same path and different categories.
If your aim is to feel healthy and your preferred focus is the mind, you could look into mindset practises, techniques to reset the unconscious mind or meditation. The last one also works with a spiritual twist, if that is the easiest path for you. Other spiritual habit categories include praying or gratitude.
Which habit category should you pick? The one that sounds the most fun. The one jumps out at you because you know you can do it easily. Or maybe it just feels doable. Remember that habits are a large part of your life. Pick something you are happy to repeat forever.
Why is this so complicated?
By now you may wondering if my technique might just be unnecessarily complicated. Tips for habit changes often imply that you can (and should) learn any habit. And when it doesn’t work out, we feel like we failed. But that’s not true at all. The habit failed us because we simply picked an unsuitable one.
We choose goals because we want to feel a certain way, whether we realise this or not. And we pick habits that have helped other people reach those goals. What is important to understand once and for all is that these habits worked for them because they already made them feel the way they wanted to feel. People just don’t realise that that’s why it was easy for them to stick with the habit. This is also why the same habit might be difficult for you.
Habits are for life. If you want a new feeling in your life, you need to pick a habit that helps you feel that way every single time you do it. From day one. Seriously. You are not just practising an action. You also practise an emotion and a feeling.
Your habit(s) list
So, which habit do you pick? Start brainstorming and researching a list for possible habits that fit your aim, your focus area and your habit category. For example, you want to feel healthy, your focus area is your body and you’re ok with exercise. Make a list of every exercise you can reasonably do either daily or weekly, like Yoga, walking, running, swimming and so on.
If your preferred focus is mindset, your list might look like this: affirmations, mantras, hypnotherapy, paraliminals, etc. For spirituality it might include walking meditation, guided meditation, daily prayer, or a daily gratitude practice.
Making a list first has several advantages. You see all the available options and might discover a habit you haven’t thought of before. The list also helps you stay flexible. The aim is a feeling. So if you pick a habit that does not give you this feeling, that’s perfectly fine. Come back to the list and try another one.
A key to learning faster and easier is also repetition with variation. Let’s say you want to feel healthy, your focus area is the body, specifically exercise and you picked a daily Yoga practise. Switch up the classes you take. If daily Yoga does not feel good, go one level up. What other exercise could you do on the days you really don’t want to do yoga? Because your aim is a feeling any habit that creates it counts.
Alright, and how do I stop bad habits?
You don’t stop them because that’s incredibly difficult. What you do instead is drown out all your bad habits with good ones. How do you want to feel? Pick your focus area, your habit category and your first habit(s).
Once you found a habit or a combination that works for you and makes you feel good, practise it for 90 days. Then add another one from your list. And repeat. If you want to add more variety, move up try a different habit category or even focus area.
Before you know it, your bad habits will fade out of your life because you don’t have time for them. Even more importantly, once you get hooked on a feeling, any action that takes you away from that feeling is no longer fun. Old habits will simply feel too bad or boring to do anymore.
What if I can’t stick to a routine?
First of all, if this is you, that’s perfectly normal for you! No problem. Some people thrive on routines, others don’t. We’re all different. If you prefer variety, why not make several lists? Start with two approaches and add more if this is not enough.
If your aim is to feel healthier, for instance, pick two focus areas. Within those focus areas, pick two habit categories. And then make lists for both. Every day at the same time, or at different times if this is easier for you, pick one of the items on the list you want to do. This way you practise your feeling without repeating the same action.
To strangers and even your brain it will seem like you are as spontaneous and flexible as always while you still shift into your new life. Bit by bit. Action by action.
Last words and inspiration
It took me over twenty years to add meditation to my life because I did not know any of this. For years, I tried different focus areas, different categories and different habits. Now I meditate every single day several times because I found what worked for me.
Another habit that failed me is drinking a glass of water every morning. Why did I try it? I wanted to feel healthy in my body and I read this habit would be a great start. What do I do now instead? I stopped eating sugar and processed foods. Drinking a glass of water should be so much easier than changing my daily diet. But it wasn’t for me.
And that’s why some habits work effortlessly while others fail us. We’re all different. We all want to feel good feelings and experience positive emotions. But how we get there is a path only we can find. The right habits take us there. And with this method, you’ll find your right habits in no time.
How to pick a pick a habit that works
1. Choose your aim
How do you want to feel every day of your life? Not sure? Pick a past goal. Why did you pick it? How did you think it would make you feel?
Example: lose weight (past goal) -> want to feel good in my body (feeling aim)
2. Choose your focus
Is it easier for you to focus on your body, your mind or your spirituality? What kind of habits have worked easily in the past?
Example: lose weight (past goal) -> want to feel good in my body (feeling aim) -> struggle with exercise and nutrition but always know what I am thinking (past) -> focus on the mind
3. Choose your habit category
What habit category or categories within your focus area are easy for you?
Example: lose weight (past goal) -> want to feel good in my body (feeling aim) -> struggle with exercise and nutrition but always know what I am thinking (past) -> focus on the mind -> trouble with meditation and have difficulties with affirmations (past) -> techniques that focus on the unconscious mind
4. Your habit(s) list
Brainstorm a list with different habits in your category, research different methods and practitioners.
Example: lose weight (past goal) -> want to feel good in my body (feeling aim) -> struggle with exercise and nutrition but always know what I am thinking (past) -> focus on the mind -> trouble with meditation and have difficulties with affirmations (past) -> techniques that focus on the unconscious mind -> switch words, paraliminals, hypnotherapy etc.
5. Start your first habit
Pick one or decide that you prefer the list approach. Choose the time of day that is easiest for you. When are you most likely to be open to the feeling you want to have? If you want to feel happy but you are not a morning person, schedule your new habit for after work. Tag it to a routine you already have.
Example: lose weight (past goal) -> want to feel good in my body (feeling aim) -> struggle with exercise and nutrition but always know what I am thinking (past) -> focus on the mind -> trouble with meditation and have difficulties with affirmations (past) -> switch words, paraliminals, hypnotherapy, etc. -> paraliminal: listen to one before going to sleep.
6. Review
Pay attention to how you feel while you are doing your new habit. It’s supposed to become a part of your new life. Only invite an action into your life that actually improves it! If you don’t like your new habit, pivot. Try something else that sounds like fun and if nothing works, move up a level because you might need a different habit category or focus area after all.