Crying is an expression of strong emotions. We can burst into tears when we feel hopeless or sad but also when we are overcome with joy. It lessens stress and pain. Shedding tears is also a very special skill because we are literally born with it. Unlike other Emotional Intelligence Skills, we do not have to learn how to cry, just practise allowing it.
Why is crying hard?
Societies work by setting rules for behaviour. Some of these rules are created to keep the majority of people safe and happy. We generally call these laws and if you break them the punishment is severe.
Other rules are more of a guideline. “Good people” behave like this and that. These rules are completely random and change with time. Go back a hundred years into the past and see what “good people” were up to then. I bet you would not choose to behave like that any more.
Crying is one of the activities that is currently going through a paradigm shift. “Big girls don’t cry” might still be a song you remember, but the idea is already widely accepted as nonsense. “Real men don’t cry” is following the same path right now.
Most people would consciously agree that crying is healthy. But then some add “but I just can’t cry.” So while the paradigm is officially changing, it takes a while for these limiting beliefs to disappear completely.
“I just don’t cry.”
If you believe you can’t or just don’t cry, think again. Unless there is a physical issue with your tear ducts, you were literally born to cry. The reason why you have trouble letting the tears flow is that well-meaning people in your past convinced you that it was wrong.
Let’s shift that limiting belief. Crying is not just ok. It is your body’s in-built stress-relief. When we experience strong emotions, like fear, or when we are stressed for a prolongued period of time, our bodies want to cry because our tears wash the neurotransmitters released by the emotion reactions out of our brains.
I bet you use the bathroom fairly regularly and several times a day. But do you know why? Our kidneys filter toxins out of the blood and wash them out of the water with water. The other reason is to get rid of indigestible bits of food.
Reframing
You would never even dream of not going to the bathroom. You could not hold it in, if you tried, because the toxins would accumulate in your system and you would die. Holding in your tears will not kill you. But it does make your life much harder than it needs to be.
Crying is your brain using the bathroom. Nothing more, nothing less. You used to be really good at it when you were little. And now it’s time to allow yourself to practise this skill again because it is one of the most effective emotional hygiene techniques.
Re-learning how to cry
Crying only works cathartic in the right circumstances. If you burst into tears in the middle of a meeting, you probably won’t feel relieved afterwards. But if you create a safe environment and then release the stress, you’ll feel much better.
The first step for a good cry is to acknowledge that it’s perfectly normal, just an emotional hygiene technique and no big deal. Relax your body. Take a few deep breaths. Sometimes just allowing yourself will already start the tears. Other times you might need a bit of help. I like to use music. There are songs that always make me cry.
The second step is to stay as relaxed as possible while you cry. If you are not used to letting lose in this way, you might try to stop the tears out of habit. Keep breathing. Trust that the flow will stop by itself as soon as you are done. It really does!
And the final step is to be kind to yourself after you cried. Take a few more calming breaths. Drink some water. If you feel tired or even exhausted that’s normal, especially if you are new to this form of release. Take a nap, hug yourself or use a deep relaxation technique, like paraliminals, afterwards.
Preventive tears
No matter why you used to think that you shouldn’t cry, that’s in the past now. Because we were born to cry, you will re-learn this skill very quickly. You might have to use it on a regular basis at first. This is normal, especially if you’ve been holding back tears for a while. Allow yourself to let it all go.
Take some time to notice the emotional benefits. Relax into the relief and feel proud of yourself because every time you allow yourself to cry, you’re helping your brain detox. It’s just like going to the bathroom.
And if you want to take it one step further, you can even do preventive crying. Barbara Sher explains in her book Refuse to Choose how she used to start the day with a good cry in the morning. She was much calmer the rest of the day and could focus on what mattered to her more easily.
If preventive crying sounds helpful to you, why not try it for yourself? Or just let the tears flow when they come. Either way, allow yourself to cry. Practise this skill and before you know it, you can release stress, worry and fear in the time it takes to listen to a sad song.