Do you act or react most of the time? We like to think that we are in charge of our actions because we are taught that this is so. We’re all individuals. We’re all responsible for what we do and say. Right? But what if you do not act but react most of the time?
What if the way you speak to others, the actions you take and the decisions you make are simply reactions? What if you come up with the reasons why you do something after the fact to justify your actions to yourself and others? And is being reactive inherently bad or can we leverage this process to create a better life?
Action
When you calmly look at a question, come up with different answers, imagine possible or even probable outcomes, decide which actions you want to take and then just do those, that’s acting. You know what you are doing, you make a conscious decision, have reasons for your choice and then you go for it.
How many times a day do you actually go through this process? Once or twice? Or are you like most people and use the process once or twice a week? Our minds are insanely efficient. They form thought, emotions and action patterns all the time to automate as much of our lives as possible.
If you had to consider every step of making your coffee or answer the question how you take it every single morning, you would get less done. Automating most of our lives, frees mind space for our conscious thoughts, which means more space for creativity, fun and joy. More space for innovation, new decisions and growth. In theory, that is.
Patterns
Since our brains are so efficient at automating everything, we learn patterns of thought, emotions and behaviour from a very early age on. These patterns are not set in stone and adapt our entire lives. But because we learned them so early on, we often are not even aware that we are following a pattern.
Emotions trigger chain reactions in our bodies that prepare us for specific actions. One of the most common examples given is that fear prepares our bodies for the flight, fight or freeze response. I have used the example numerous times in posts myself. But how often do you actually run away when you experience fear? Do you literally freeze or start a fight?
The flight, fight or freeze reactions are the basics of fear. What exactly modern versions of these reactions look like is learned. A person might get scared in an argument and just stop talking back. Freeze. Someone else might worry about a problem at work and get so scared they start a fight with a family member when they get home or just shout at them out of nowhere. Fight. Or they might come up with a reason to leave the room, the building, even the job or relationship. Flight.
Reasons
What was your last argument about? Have you ever shouted at someone? Why did you do that? Have you ever left a room, relationship and/or job? Which reasons did you give? Not just to other people but to yourself too? Are you sure any of them are true?
When it comes to reactive behaviour it is often easier to see how much people are actually influenced by their emotions when you look at others first. I bet you know at least one person who will explode with anger every now and then over the tiniest details. Afterwards, they always have a “reason”. Did you buy it?
Society tells us that we are 100% responsible for our actions. It’s part of the “we’re all individuals and in full control” lie we are raised on. “Taking responsibility” is a key virtue and anyone who dares come up with generally unacceptable explanations is “just making excuses”. So we learn to rationalise our behaviour and use acceptable rationalizations. We learn to complain about and blame others because we are taught that there has to be a reason for every action we take.
Real Reasons
And there is, of course. We’re just not taught to be aware of the real reason – thought and emotions patterns – so we make one up. Usually it’s an external reason although these days a lot of people are embracing internal reasons too. Using past experiences to justify current behaviour or referring to a dominant emotion habit, like depression or anxiety, are examples.
But these reasons are rationalizations we come up with after the fact. What really happens is that there’s a lot going on before we act. Often, these patterns are so ingrained we do not notice them at all. For example, you are short on cash at the end of the month. How do you react?
Just reading this sentence already triggered electrical impulses running through your mind. Whether you are consciously aware of your thoughts or not makes no difference because they trigger a specific emotion either way. If you practised worrying about money, your worry thoughts are running rampant right now and your body is by now already experiencing fear.
If this is you, take the two minutes to feel this fear right now please. Follow the guided meditation to feel your emotion and come back to the post when you are calm again. If you believe that money flows to you easily, meaning if you have practised that thought so often that the electrical impulses run along your brain cells in a specific manner automatically, then you are feeling anticipation right now. More is coming. It’s already on the way.
Reaction
Depending on how you just felt during this short exercise, you might now be on the fear or joy track. Each emotion leads to completely different reactions. One puts you in a bad mood, meaning you are more likely to experience negative emotions which lead to unhelpful thoughts and actions. The other leads you down the meadow of positive emotions, where you merrily skip through your day.
I am not being facetious here. I mean the last bit literally. That’s what happy people do. We are so used to positive thoughts and feeling good, that positive actions have become automatic. A common misconception about being reactive is that it’s always negative.
But reacting is just an automation our brains are wired to create. When you are in a good mood and have predominantly positive thoughts, you react in a positive manner. You spontaneously laugh when there is a problem and then immediately focus on potential solutions. If you make a mistake, you shrug it off and fix it. And when you do something fun, like going for a walk, you enjoy every step.
Our behaviour is never about action versus reaction. It’s always both. When your reactions are predominantly positive, though, it frees up your mind for creative thinking, decision making and positive growth. Also, the ratio between being reactive and taking deliberate action shifts. You easily handle issues and deliberately decide how you want to show up in the world.
Actions and reactions
So how do you get to an easier life with positive thoughts and emotions? Start with awareness. Actions are a great place to start when you want to change your life because they reflect the thoughts and emotions you currently embody. How are you behaving? What do you do when there is an issue? What is your first thought? How do you feel?
What about the rest of the day? Do you behave odd in some way? If you overreacted that’s a sign of an underlying thought and emotions pattern you are not aware of. What happened before your reaction? Go as far back as you need to. Did you experience fear, sadness, anger or shame at any point?
Practise awareness because it tells you what is really going on. Once you know that, you can change it. Learn new thoughts, become comfortable with positive emotions and deliberately take positive actions until you form new patterns.
Embody the person you truly want to be. And when your positive actions turn into positive reactions, celebrate because it’s done. You are embodying yourself.