Have you ever been told to let go of an emotion or a feeling? Were you annoyed because no one ever seems to explain how to actually do that? This summer I meditated at a Buddhist Monastery in Portugal and I finally figured out what meditation is. It is an exercise for the brain that teaches us detachment from our thoughts and emotions, letting go and shifting focus.
Deliberate practice is a fantastic way to start a new habit. To truly free ourselves from unwanted thoughts, actions that no longer serve us and unhelpful dominant emotions, though, letting go needs to become a way of living.
The misunderstanding
I used to think that letting go was a one-time action because that is how we often use the phrase. Let go of the past, or let go of your worries, or let go of a bad habit. I believed letting go meant to stop thinking a thought, or simply stop taking that action or feeling that emotion I no longer wanted and then it would be gone. I would be free forever. But that’s not how it works and understanding this is the first step towards permanent change.
When we try techniques, exercises or new habits we approach them with certain expectations. When I let go of an unhelpful thought pattern and it kept coming back, I thought I had failed. But I hadn’t. Instead, I was merely practising. To truly succeed at letting go, all I needed to do was keep going because it’s not about achieving a result. Letting go is a continuous action.
It’s a verb
Letting go is a verb. It’s a process, a habit, or a routine if you prefer that word. My favourite phrase to describe any action we want to take every single day for the rest of our lives is life skill. You do not let go once. You let go of every unhelpful thought, every unhelpful action and every unhelpful emotion as soon as possible every single time you notice it.
So you let go 10-50 times every single day. It is normal for unhelpful thoughts we have practised in the past to return. It is normal to fall back into old habits. And it is normal to experience the emotions we are used to more easily than others. Understanding and accepting this is the key to letting go.
Relax
Every time we have a thought or take an action or feel an emotion we strengthen a pattern. We practise a habit and we embody a way of being. It’s important to remember that the only reason why we are who we are in this moment is because we practised being like this.
Who we are is not fixed. It’s just the thoughts, actions and emotion we are embodying right now. If any of them no longer serve you, it’s time to let go. When old patterns come up again, relax. It’s no big deal. That they come up is normal and just part of an old pattern.
But now it is up to you to decide. All you have to do to break that pattern is to let go. How? Do not engage. Do not hold on. Step away from old patterns and form a new one: letting go.
Let go of old thoughts
A thought is an electrical impulse exchanged between brain cells. It’s a chemical process that runs along communication lines between the cells. The more two brain cells communicate with each other, the more connections they forge and the stronger these connections are. The saying “Neurons that fire together, wire together” is a literal description of what’s happening in our brains.
When we think the same thoughts, our brains create and strengthen physical connections. Neurons build the tracks along which we think. That’s why thinking the same thoughts is easy and our efficient brains love to do that. It saves energy. When we want to change the way we think, we have to do so by letting go of old thoughts.
What do I mean by that? As soon as you notice a thought you no longer want, interrupt yourself. Two techniques to instantly quiet the mind are humming a song and shaking your entire body. Once you stopped the old thought, focus immediately on another practised thought, like a mantra, affirmation or a switchword.
Repeat this process often enough and our efficient brains catch on. They build and strengthen new neural pathways for the thoughts we practise. Even if we just shift our focus to a neutral object, sound or activity, for example during meditation or by exercising, we improve our brains because any unused connection withers away automatically.
Let go of old actions
Just like thoughts, many of the actions we take every day are habitual. They are controlled by neural pathways in the brain. We even have muscle memory that conserves energy and frees up the mind by doing the same things in the same manner. When you want to change your actions, bear this in mind and be patient with yourself.
Interrupt the action you want to stop as soon as you notice it. I currently let go of complaining. As soon as I notice that I am whining in a conversation or a written message, I myself to change the subject or rewrite the message. And I repeat this process as often as possible. Every single day.
Let go of emotions
Emotions are physical chain reactions triggered by a part of our brain called the amygdala. This system works automatically and is out of our control. But how we react to our emotions and the actions we take afterwards is entirely up to us. Emotions prepare us for specific actions. Fear, anger, and also excitement and joy give us bursts of energy. Which actions we channel this energy into is learned and then practised.
For example, as a child you probably jumped up and down with excitement, or danced and waved your arms around. Adults rarely do this because we are trained out of it. We learned to act differently. You can do this deliberately with any emotion and habitual action.
Focus on the emotion when it comes up. What does it feel like in your body? Experience the sensations and notice them ebbing away. They always ebb away by themselves because emotions are fleeting.
So watch, but do not react. Avoid thinking about what triggered the emotion in the first place so you do not trigger it again. Just notice the sensation and then make a conscious decision to think of something else and take an action that serves you.
Deliberate and conscious practice
And then repeat. Repetition is truly the most important factor about letting go because we think all the time. We take many actions during the day and we experience a lot of emotions. Letting go of the thoughts, actions and emotions we do not want to embody any more is a constant practise. It is a way of being.
Meditation is deliberate practice. Take time out of your day to let go and re-focus. Mindfulness (releasing thoughts and emotions by focusing on the here and now) and movement connected with the breath, like Yoga and QiGong (releasing thoughts and emotions by focusing on the body) are other techniques you can use to consciously let go. Try a few to figure out what works best for you at this moment in time. Be open to changing techniques or add more over time.
Build new neural pathways and take old ones apart. Thought by thought, action by action and emotion by emotion. Expect to practise every day for the rest of your life. And when this thought brings up anger, fear or even sadness, remember that you just practised thinking and feeling this way. It’s up to you whether you want to go on or change. If you choose change, just let go.