Boundaries are the protective barriers we build around a good life, no matter what this means to us as individuals. When our boundaries are strong, we feel grounded, happy and healthy. We think the thoughts that serve us, experience predominantly positive emotions and take joyful and satisfying actions.
That’s why setting and maintaining boundaries is an essential skill. In order to embody it, you first need to understand what boundaries are, who is really crossing them and what you can do about it.
What are boundaries?
Boundaries are the limits of what you allow into your life. These limits refer to anything you allow, whether it’s people, their actions or content you consume. For example, what behaviour do you tolerate or invite in other people? What kinds of media do you consume and how much of them?
Once you understand that you are in charge of your life, you can also set internal boundaries. Which recurring thoughts do you allow? Which emotions are you basking or wallowing in? And which feelings are you letting go of? Are you happy with all of your actions or do you want to change some of them?
Anger is the signal
When one of your boundaries is crossed you feel anger. It may come in the form of irritation, annoyance or even rage. If you ignore these boundary crossings, your anger turns into resentment. You may have noticed this signal already when another person crosses your boundary or when you are exposed to content you dislike so much that you become angry.
Pay attention to these moments because anger is a wonderful way to figure out where your boundaries currently are. We do not choose all of our boundaries consciously. Sometimes we are not even aware we have a boundary because we have been taught that it is unacceptable.
For example, a child who grows up with parents who will hug her whether she wants to be hugged or not has her boundary constantly crossed. If the parents teach her that it’s not ok to say no by getting angry or sad, they emotionally blackmail the child into crossing her own boundary. She also learns that this particular boundary is not ok, so over time she actually forgets that it exists.
As adults, we have many boundaries that are crossed on pretty much a daily basis. We just don’t realise that this is what is happening. Did your parents make you eat food you didn’t like or wear clothes you hated? You have boundaries around all subjects because they are about anything that enters our lives. So practicing self-awareness first to figure out our limits is essential.
Maintaining boundaries
Once you become aware of unconscious boundaries and consciously set new ones, you want to maintain them. You cannot change other people’s behaviour and boundaries are never about others. They are about what you will do when a boundary is crossed.
Walk away. Remove yourself from the situation as fast as you can. Refuse to put yourself in the same situation again in future. This means, saying no and walking away from conversations, jobs, friends, family members, including children and partners, every time they cross a boundary.
Now, often people misunderstand and think they have to explain their boundaries so others can learn not to cross them anymore. But that’s the wrong approach because other people will not change for you. Why should they? You have control over whether you expose yourself to their behaviour or not. No explanation or justification needed.
In fact, it’s much better not to give reasons because when you justify yourself you practice guilt. And if people ask you to tell them why you are removing yourself from the situation, keep it short and all about yourself: “I decided to no longer tolerate complaining because it damages my brain. ” And then walk away.
Stay on your side
You have the right to decide what kind of life you want to lead. Setting and maintaining boundaries is how you create that life. But this process is not just about others. For instance, if you decide to exercise, someone calls you and you answer the phone, it’s not them who crossed your boundary. It’s you.
The caller had no idea you were busy, and even if they did, the decision to interrupt what you were doing was still yours. You do not have to answer the phone when you don’t want to be disturbed. If you do, you are crossing your own boundary.
Blaming others when we experience anger because of a crossed boundary is a learned reaction. As children, we were at the whim of adults who wouldn’t listen to protests. They also taught us to blame others for how we felt even though emotions are always about ourselves. This is just a bad habit and as long as we keep practicing it, we give our agency away.
Take responsibility
Once you take responsibility for your boundaries, decide that they matter and that you matter, all you have to do is maintain them. Let people react however they want to. That is their right. Let them drift away and find new sounding posts for their complaints. You deserve to live the life you want to live and experience positive emotions most of the time.
Anger is your guide. It tells you that a boundary was crossed. Pause and check in with yourself. Are you uncomfortable with the current situation? Is another person doing something you don’t like? Are you doing, or even thinking and feeling something you do not want to experience?
Once you know who crossed your boundary, reaffirm it. Breathe around your anger until it passes. Remove yourself from the situation, if possible immediately. Or change the thought that no longer serves you. Let go of an emotion you do not want to feel right now. Replace your reaction with a conscious new action.
When you take charge of your boundaries, you are creating your world of peace. Sometimes, this world is in the eye of the hurricane for a while. That’s OK because what happens outside of your limits, is not your business. Your job is to maintain your peace by protecting your boundaries.