We often use the terms feelings and emotions interchangeably but they are by no means the same. Emotions are universal and essential. They are the chemical chain reactions triggered by our thoughts. Their purpose is to prepare us for specific actions.
Feelings are neither universal nor essential. We learn to feel guilt, shame, pride and triumph from the people in our surroundings. Feelings are emotion cocktails triggered by the stories we tell. Their purpose is to regulate our behaviour.
The stories we tell
Feelings are the conscious processing of events, or in other words the stories we tell about what happened. These stories trigger several emotions, often repeatedly. For example, you are waiting in line at the coffee shop. Another person cuts in front of you. This is what happened. But which story are you telling about it? And which emotions and actions does it trigger?
Story 1: This must be a very selfish person. I have the right to assert myself. (Anger) But the last time I did, the woman made a fuss and we ended up arguing loudly. (Fear) Maybe someone behind me saw it too? No, they are not making eye-contact. (Frustration) I should really say something but now it’s too late, isn’t it? They are already ordering. (Regret) I wish I was more assertive. (Sadness)
Story 2: Maybe they didn’t see me. I’m not in a hurry anyway. (Calm) Maybe they are in a hurry! That would explain the tapping foot. (Amusement) They look rather tense and stressed. I remember what that used to feel like. (Compassion) I’m so glad, I feel differently now. I love being me! (Gratitude)
How feelings work
Unlike emotions, which only last two minutes when you take the time to feel them, feelings last as long as you tell the same story. You can also reactivate any feeling simply by repeating the same thoughts. When you hold a grudge, for example, you trigger the same emotion cocktail repeatedly by clinging to an old story.
The stories we tell are learned. As we grow up, we listen and watch how other people talk about and act around certain people, in specific situations and even in relation to topics and ideas.
Whether thinking about money triggers positive or negative emotions, for instance, depends entirely on the stories you learned to tell about money in general and in connection with yourself.
Since feelings trigger emotion cocktails, they are often difficult to decipher and feel overwhelming. Different emotions lead to different actions so when your body prepares for fight, then a second later freeze, followed by sadness draining you of energy, acting at all becomes impossible.
Why do we have feelings?
Guilt and shame are feelings, as are pride and triumph. They are triggered by stories we learn to tell. Neither the feelings nor the stories are universal. We are taught to use feelings to punish or reward ourselves to regulate our behaviour.
For example, guilt is a form of beating yourself up with negative emotions. You learned to feel guilty when you do something “wrong” as a form of punishment. That you need to be punished at all for a mistake is not a universal idea.
Depending on the society you grew up in, you will have been taught stories to make yourself feel guilty. How guilty you are supposed to feel is also learned, usually from the people in your surroundings when you were a child. If your care-givers beat themselves or others up verbally, you internalized those words and they became the story you tell when you feel guilt.
A form of control
The result? You are much less likely to repeat the “mistake”. If guilt is the stick, pride is the carrot. Do you feel proud when you do a good job? This is also not a universal reaction to work. You learned to reward yourself with a positive story that floods your body with happy chemicals, so you repeat the same action.
When people live together in groups they eventually come to some consensus about the values they want to share. This is not necessarily a conscious process. The values also change over time. Laws are official rules created to make people behave according to these values. When you break a law you are punished by society. Feelings are the inofficial equivalent. They are internal mechanisms we are taught to use on ourselves to stay in line.
For example, many countries require their citizens to wear clothes in public. That’s the law. Even though there is no law making you wear clothes at home, I bet you still walk around fully dressed in your own four walls anyway. Why? Because you learned to feel shame about being naked.
Different depths
In theory, feelings don’t sound that bad. After all, we do have to live together. People should have a way to stay in line, right? And what’s wrong with feeling proud of your work?
The issue with feelings is not that they exist. It’s how they are taught and what they turn into in the course of our lives. If we do not know that we are just re-telling old stories, we may take our feelings far more seriously than we need to.
Also, how guilty are you feeling and about what exactly? The answers depend entirely on the people you grew up with and the ones surrounding you know. What you even consider a mistake is learned. How much and for how long you punish yourself is also learned.
There is no normal. There is no universal truth. It’s all just stories we tell each other and ourselves. All of it. When you understand and accept that, then feelings are no longer an issue. Until you do, though, they run your life.
The background tape
Everything we repeat often enough becomes automatic. Stories are thoughts in sequence. When we think the same stories often enough, they turn into a tape recording that runs in your unconscious mind, meaning there is a good chance you are telling yourself several stories right now even if you cannot perceive them.
Self-awareness is a skill set with three components: awareness of your thoughts, emotional awareness and awareness of your actions. Most of us are already good in one or two of these areas. For some people noticing their thoughts is easy. For others, like me, it’s not.
The first step towards change is always self-awareness because you need to know where you are before you can move forward in a different direction. Changing your feelings is absolutely possible.
Simply replace the background tape with a new recording. This means tell a new story and repeat it until it becomes automatic. Rewrite your life, trigger positive emotions and take actions that serve you.
A new tape
How do you find the stories you are telling? Focus your thoughts and slow them down. Speak them out loud or write down what is going through your mind in the moment.
Which moment? If you struggle, like me, to be aware of your thoughts, pay attention to emotion cocktails instead. Are you feeling guilty or ashamed? If emotions are tricky too, watch what you are doing. Do you have trouble making a decision because you feel overwhelmed? Or are your emotions pulling you into completely opposite directions?
These are all indications that one or several stories are running in the background. As soon as you notice something is off, pause. Slow down your thoughts so you can see what is going on in the moment. Take the time to verbalise the story by writing it down or saying it out loud. Once you make the background tape audible or visible, you can change it.
New you
Write and tell a different story. Literally. If you enjoy writing, sit down and write a new story about you and money, for example, or you and your perfect partner. If you prefer to speak it out loud, tell yourself the new version.
The fastest way to learn anything is repetition with variation. So don’t be afraid to re-tell the story a little bit differently every time. If you write, do not just read your new version. Re-write it. Tweak it. Add to it. Make it your own.
You are the hero of your life. The actions you take and the emotions you experience are triggered by the stories running through your mind. Everything is just a story. Life is hard or it is easy, depending on the version you learned to tell yourself. That is the real power of feelings.
We are taught to use them to keep ourselves in line. They might even have been used against us so we behaved in ways others wanted us to be. But they are all just stories and every story can be rewritten. Now that you know what feelings are, you no longer have to be the reader. Instead, become the author of your life.